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Chapter five. Change of Course |
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I hadn't realized before that a shock of this kind could stun one physically. I remember almost nothing of the next twenty-four hours. I made my way up to Imphal, though, and saw the Political Agent. He was not unkind; but he would not change his decision. |
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It was evening when I left the Residency. I had never been in such a state before. I daren't go back to my quarters. I walked and walked. It turned dusk, and then dark. I still went on, round and round cantonments. I passed the bungalows, the homes of lucky people with careers laid down. I walked till I was exhausted, till I was too tired to think, too tired to do anything but sleep. Tomorrow was another day. I'd worry about it when it came. |
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The breakdown lasted about a fortnight. Following as it did on the long strain of the summer, it was a bad patch, much worse than I dared tell anyone. But I had just enough sense left to keep control. I put away or locked up anything which could be of danger in a fit of depression. I rented the small Forest Bungalow, I shopped, I furnished it; collected a staff, learned Manipuri, clung to anything, everything, all the small, fussy chores of daily life. It was a giddy path. The holds were so small; one clung by a hand, a finger. I kept away from the rest of the station. They didn't know, and, at the worst time, the least rough touch would have meant disaster. |
